Friday, December 10, 2010

Pinup Self-Defense: How to Properly Slap Someone

Today I am having a rough day.  A co-worker of mine is a chauvinistic idiot and I've been fantasizing about slapping him (for years) and since I actually took a stage combat class I know how to properly sock someone in the jaw, without breaking my fingers on those lovely vintage rings. So here we go, "Pinup Self-Defense: Lesson 1."

#1. Keep your cool.  If they know you are about to knock them into next week chances are they will prevent you- if they can.  Reveal nothing, you are a stealthy tigress... don't forget.

#2. Delicately remove your glove from your right hand if you're a righty and your left hand if you're a lefty (this is important as you want the maximum damage.)  Place it in your other hand (vintage gloves are expensive and pretty and you didn't buy them just to loose them in a street fight.)

#3. Widen your stance- balance, balance, balance... this is KEY!  Particularly if you are in 5" heels- as I usually am.

#4. Make eye contact- you want to see the shock, anguish, and hopefully pain when you unleash the beast.  And you want to have very straight aim- a missed face slap is the worst.

#5. Aim for the fat part of the cheek and keep your fingers pressed together (much like a paddle)- not so painful for them or you, however it makes an amazing sound!  It'll crack and quite frankly we want that dramatic noise so that everyone in earshot knows that someone just slapped a total jerk who deserved it.

#6. Relax your shoulder and swing from it rather than your elbow -  body mechanics- gotta love 'em.  You don't want to injure yourself- you are injuring them.  Get a good swing going as well, if you would like to rear back past the side of your body and throw your hip into then go right ahead.

#6.  After you slap them, egress.  Quickly.  Use the silence and shock to get away.**** 

****If the person is as big a jerk as I would like to assume they are- you may be in for an all out brawl, so have your purse ready to beat them over the head, your heels ready to crush their feet and be ready to potentially be arrested- because it's totally possible.  (Don't blame me if you slapped a Sheriff's Deputy and are going to prison- you have to weigh whether or not it's worth it- sometimes... it is worth it.)****

It's always a good idea to know how to do things properly and with style... this also extends to fighting.  Besides, when you have that vintage classy sexpot look everyday you should really know how to defend yourself.

6 comments:

  1. I am about to slap someone tomorrow who rather deserves it. So glad I found your blog for tips. Ya only get one shot. I want it to be a good one! Thanks chica ;)

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  2. If someone gets arrested , they rather deserve it.

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