Today I am having a rough day. A co-worker of mine is a chauvinistic idiot and I've been fantasizing about slapping him (for years) and since I actually took a stage combat class I know how to properly sock someone in the jaw, without breaking my fingers on those lovely vintage rings. So here we go, "Pinup Self-Defense: Lesson 1."
#1. Keep your cool. If they know you are about to knock them into next week chances are they will prevent you- if they can. Reveal nothing, you are a stealthy tigress... don't forget.
#2. Delicately remove your glove from your right hand if you're a righty and your left hand if you're a lefty (this is important as you want the maximum damage.) Place it in your other hand (vintage gloves are expensive and pretty and you didn't buy them just to loose them in a street fight.)
#3. Widen your stance- balance, balance, balance... this is KEY! Particularly if you are in 5" heels- as I usually am.
#4. Make eye contact- you want to see the shock, anguish, and hopefully pain when you unleash the beast. And you want to have very straight aim- a missed face slap is the worst.
#5. Aim for the fat part of the cheek and keep your fingers pressed together (much like a paddle)- not so painful for them or you, however it makes an amazing sound! It'll crack and quite frankly we want that dramatic noise so that everyone in earshot knows that someone just slapped a total jerk who deserved it.
#6. Relax your shoulder and swing from it rather than your elbow - body mechanics- gotta love 'em. You don't want to injure yourself- you are injuring them. Get a good swing going as well, if you would like to rear back past the side of your body and throw your hip into then go right ahead.
#6. After you slap them, egress. Quickly. Use the silence and shock to get away.****
****If the person is as big a jerk as I would like to assume they are- you may be in for an all out brawl, so have your purse ready to beat them over the head, your heels ready to crush their feet and be ready to potentially be arrested- because it's totally possible. (Don't blame me if you slapped a Sheriff's Deputy and are going to prison- you have to weigh whether or not it's worth it- sometimes... it is worth it.)****
It's always a good idea to know how to do things properly and with style... this also extends to fighting. Besides, when you have that vintage classy sexpot look everyday you should really know how to defend yourself.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
'Tis the Season
I just put up my Christmas decor and brought all the sweaters and egg nog because the season 'tis here. After putting up the tree and putting out the candy bowls, trimming the wreath and listening to carols it was egg nog time. And by egg nog I mean bourbon with splash of egg nog and milk in it (I use low fat milk so I don't overdo the high fat egg nog). I have a pair of lovely Budweiser flutes, I know it sounds strange but it's true, with the Clydesdales on them in their holiday regalia. The nog looked lovely in them.
Now is the time of year when many people will be in our homes, and to make them feel welcome it's important to have little things for them to enjoy. Bottles of wine, champagne, beer, and other spirits are a lovely addition to having guests over, and quite frankly can make it more bearable for everyone depending on the guest. As most of you who have watched Mad Men know- nothing beats a good bourbon in the house. I would suggest, for those of you who have no spirits, that you purchase a couple of staples. A good mixing rum (I just use Captain Morgan Spiced Rum), vodka (3 Olives is a great mixing vodka but I prefer Grey Goose as vodka is my favorite spirit) , and well known Whiskey or Bourbon. I prefer American- so a Jim Beam or a Jack Daniels are good choices others prefer Scotch or Irish Whiskey- MacCallan and Jameson are good options in that department. You should also keep a selection of mixers: Club Soda, Tonic, Ginger ale, Cola and Diet Cola. This way everyone can make SOMETHING that they would like to drink.
It's been my experience that women will gravitate to the vodka, low in calories and when paired with a club soda will not stain your clothes or teeth (remember this on New Years because nothing is worse than an expensive vintage dress with an expensive vintage on it that will NOT come out) and men will gravitate to the whiskey/bourbon. If you are stocking top shelf, it's in your best interest to play bartender/hostess otherwise your may find yourself with a Don Draper crawling across your living room with your irreplaceable vintage lampshade on his head and having to buy several bottles more just to get through the rest of the season.
As for treats, make things that are easy and not covered with gloppy frosting or filled with drippy cordials... while these may be delicious the chances of them being dropped on a vintage pillow or a throw that can't be laundered are astronomically increased. Also, they are just messy- if you make treats like that then package them up in a bag for people to take home so that the powdered sugar/sprinkles/frosting/syrup doesn't adorn you, your house, or your guests. It's also a lovely treat to send people home with a little something. Later this week I will post some delicious no-fuss no-muss dessert recipes for your holiday parties. So head to the store and then cozy up with a nice egg nog 'cause baby, it's cold outside...
Now is the time of year when many people will be in our homes, and to make them feel welcome it's important to have little things for them to enjoy. Bottles of wine, champagne, beer, and other spirits are a lovely addition to having guests over, and quite frankly can make it more bearable for everyone depending on the guest. As most of you who have watched Mad Men know- nothing beats a good bourbon in the house. I would suggest, for those of you who have no spirits, that you purchase a couple of staples. A good mixing rum (I just use Captain Morgan Spiced Rum), vodka (3 Olives is a great mixing vodka but I prefer Grey Goose as vodka is my favorite spirit) , and well known Whiskey or Bourbon. I prefer American- so a Jim Beam or a Jack Daniels are good choices others prefer Scotch or Irish Whiskey- MacCallan and Jameson are good options in that department. You should also keep a selection of mixers: Club Soda, Tonic, Ginger ale, Cola and Diet Cola. This way everyone can make SOMETHING that they would like to drink.
It's been my experience that women will gravitate to the vodka, low in calories and when paired with a club soda will not stain your clothes or teeth (remember this on New Years because nothing is worse than an expensive vintage dress with an expensive vintage on it that will NOT come out) and men will gravitate to the whiskey/bourbon. If you are stocking top shelf, it's in your best interest to play bartender/hostess otherwise your may find yourself with a Don Draper crawling across your living room with your irreplaceable vintage lampshade on his head and having to buy several bottles more just to get through the rest of the season.
As for treats, make things that are easy and not covered with gloppy frosting or filled with drippy cordials... while these may be delicious the chances of them being dropped on a vintage pillow or a throw that can't be laundered are astronomically increased. Also, they are just messy- if you make treats like that then package them up in a bag for people to take home so that the powdered sugar/sprinkles/frosting/syrup doesn't adorn you, your house, or your guests. It's also a lovely treat to send people home with a little something. Later this week I will post some delicious no-fuss no-muss dessert recipes for your holiday parties. So head to the store and then cozy up with a nice egg nog 'cause baby, it's cold outside...
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Product Pinup Reviews
"LUSH" SKIN
The first product I'm going to review are the massage bars by Lush.
First of all, I LOVE THEM. Many of them are Vegan and all of them are less than $12.00, most run about $9.95. They come in many shapes and fragrances (and some are even lickable, mmmmmm) and many have glitter in them (2 specifically, SHIMMY SHIMMY and GLITTERBUG, and I use those on stage). I have two at the moment.
I have the TUCA TUCA massage bar and the SHIMMY SHIMMY massage bar. Neither leaves a heavy fragrance on the skin for long and the skin absorbs both rather quickly- within 10 minutes. Make sure you "melt" it enough so it slides on easily and have a nice little tin for them (I use a vintage sugar bowl from an antique shop that I keep on my vanity.)
TUCA TUCA:
Smells like violets! "We blend seductive violet absolute with fresh rose petal infused cocoa butter and a hint of vanilla for a gorgeous floral bar."
I love it! Put in on after the shower by holding it between your hands for a few seconds (it gets slick FAST) then rub it everywhere! My skin is super soft and has a subtle fragrance about it, it hasn't stained anything (so far, but the purple TUCA TUCA writing on it does put a weird gray color on your skin until you rub it in REALLY well). It has radically changed my rough elbow situation- which was a great travesty but is now a soft and supple lovely elbow- which no lotion had managed to give me, and when you wear elbow-length gloves you should have nice elbows.
Cost: $7.95 a bar
SHIMMY SHIMMY
I use this on stage in lieu of body glitter- since they don't make it in a gel anymore and the sprays all smell like vanilla (hence why strippers leave a "trail of glitter and vanilla body wash" -it's the vanilla scented spray glitter). It's vanilla (ha ha ha- can't escape the vanilla/glitter pairing), lavender and Clary sage scented and leave great quantities of pink glitter on your skin. It says "a light glow" but I find that it's a bit more than that- and I love it. I would not personally use this to moisturize my skin because of the sheer volume of glitter in it it can be a little scratchy but it's so great for glittery skin that I don't want them to change a thing. (Just a note: GLITTERBUG, which was mentioned earlier, has purple glitter in it and is Neroli, Rose, and Vanilla scented.)
Cost: $6.95 a bar
Perfectly Poised Party Dip
Ah! Now for my very first entry... since it's Holiday Time I think I will put down my "Perfectly Poised Party Dip" Recipe. This is what I take to every single holiday event this time of year. It's delicious, cost effective, and is very little effort- so I can commit to curling my hair rather than cooking. This is always a hit, always the first dish gone, and everyone always thinks I spent a LOT of time on it. So on my stress scale of 1-10, 1 being sipping a cocktail and listening to smooth jazz and 10 consisting of going to do ANYTHING at the DMV, this ranks a 1. This dish can be made last minute with stuff that's usually in your fridge. Feel free to jazz it up and play with some spices but really you can't go wrong with a 3 ingredient recipe. Showing up with a dish like Martha Stewart and hair like Greta Garbo definitely makes you an everyday pinup.
Holiday Onion Dip
Ingredients
1 cup Vidalia Onions chopped
1 cup Mayonnaise
1 cup Cheddar (or if you prefer another cheese then get to experimenting)
Mix it all together and bake at 350 degrees F for 20 minutes. Serve with a
box of crackers (I use Townhouse). If you are going to a large party (10+ people) make sure that you double the batch.
Prep Time: 3 minutes.
Cook Time: 20 Minutes
Stress Scale: 1 (cocktails and music)
Holiday Onion Dip
Ingredients
1 cup Vidalia Onions chopped
1 cup Mayonnaise
1 cup Cheddar (or if you prefer another cheese then get to experimenting)
Mix it all together and bake at 350 degrees F for 20 minutes. Serve with a
box of crackers (I use Townhouse). If you are going to a large party (10+ people) make sure that you double the batch.
Prep Time: 3 minutes.
Cook Time: 20 Minutes
Stress Scale: 1 (cocktails and music)
The Everyday Pinup's Lips
The one thing every vintage vamp needs is a great lipstick and a great lipstick tube. My favorite place to get vintage lipstick tubes is on ebay and in antique stores. They aren't very expensive- anywhere from $2.00- $12.00 and make putting on your lipstick in public a much more provocative event.
First, let's talk colors and brands. I'm a fan of red lipstick. I have so many shades of red that it is truly ridiculous, but today I'm going to talk about 3 only (for now). From least expensive to most expensive:
1. Retro Red by N.Y.C. Color $0.99 at drugstores
Nice smooth color, needs to be reapplied after a while and tends to bleed, so you'll pay in vigilance what you saved in cash, but it's a nice feel and for less a dollar can be worth experimenting with.
2. Russian Red by M.A.C. $15.50 at www.maccosmetics.com
Matte finish red with a lot of blue in it. Very neutral color and a great one to have around in general. Looks good on most skin types doesn't require a lot of babysitting and doesn't bleed very much at all. Very dry so get a lip gloss with it.
3. Moulin Rouge by Make up Forever $19.00 at www.sephora.com
MY FAVORITE! Smooth and velvety. Does not bleed very much at all and is satiny enough that lip gloss is just icing on the cake rather than a necessity. Is a deeper berry red than Russian red.
Now that we've chosen a lovely lipstick, let's get that bad boy into one of our recently purchased vintage lipstick tube.
#1. Clean out any old lipstick in the tube, do not actually use vintage lipstick unless it's BRAND NEW, you would hate to get small pox because you decided to use some random human beings old lipstick. Freeze it and then dig it out (it's easier and less messy this way.) Clean it in hot soapy water (do not use the dishwasher).
#2. Take the lipstick you want to put into your vintage tube and freeze it. You want a deep freeze on it so put in the freezer not on the door.
#3. After a couple of hours (I put it in at breakfast and then do this when I get home from work), take the frozen lipstick out of the freezer. Twist the lipstick all the way to the top and using wax paper gently rock the lipstick back and forth until it comes completely out of the tube.
#4. Make sure your vintage tube is twisted all the way to the top. Take your newly freed lipstick and using a lighter/match barely melt the bottom of it. (BE VERY CAREFUL OR YOU COULD FIND YOUR SELF IN A PUDDLE OF LIPSTICK). Place it inside the tube and then twist it back down. If you heated it a little much just pop it back in the freezer for a bit (standing upright).
Now, your lipstick is as unique and amazing as you are and everyone will envy the pretty girl with her pretty lipstick tube and rosy pout.
First, let's talk colors and brands. I'm a fan of red lipstick. I have so many shades of red that it is truly ridiculous, but today I'm going to talk about 3 only (for now). From least expensive to most expensive:
1. Retro Red by N.Y.C. Color $0.99 at drugstores
Nice smooth color, needs to be reapplied after a while and tends to bleed, so you'll pay in vigilance what you saved in cash, but it's a nice feel and for less a dollar can be worth experimenting with.
2. Russian Red by M.A.C. $15.50 at www.maccosmetics.com
Matte finish red with a lot of blue in it. Very neutral color and a great one to have around in general. Looks good on most skin types doesn't require a lot of babysitting and doesn't bleed very much at all. Very dry so get a lip gloss with it.
3. Moulin Rouge by Make up Forever $19.00 at www.sephora.com
MY FAVORITE! Smooth and velvety. Does not bleed very much at all and is satiny enough that lip gloss is just icing on the cake rather than a necessity. Is a deeper berry red than Russian red.
Now that we've chosen a lovely lipstick, let's get that bad boy into one of our recently purchased vintage lipstick tube.
#1. Clean out any old lipstick in the tube, do not actually use vintage lipstick unless it's BRAND NEW, you would hate to get small pox because you decided to use some random human beings old lipstick. Freeze it and then dig it out (it's easier and less messy this way.) Clean it in hot soapy water (do not use the dishwasher).
#2. Take the lipstick you want to put into your vintage tube and freeze it. You want a deep freeze on it so put in the freezer not on the door.
#3. After a couple of hours (I put it in at breakfast and then do this when I get home from work), take the frozen lipstick out of the freezer. Twist the lipstick all the way to the top and using wax paper gently rock the lipstick back and forth until it comes completely out of the tube.
#4. Make sure your vintage tube is twisted all the way to the top. Take your newly freed lipstick and using a lighter/match barely melt the bottom of it. (BE VERY CAREFUL OR YOU COULD FIND YOUR SELF IN A PUDDLE OF LIPSTICK). Place it inside the tube and then twist it back down. If you heated it a little much just pop it back in the freezer for a bit (standing upright).
Now, your lipstick is as unique and amazing as you are and everyone will envy the pretty girl with her pretty lipstick tube and rosy pout.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Welcome All!
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