Friday, December 10, 2010

Pinup Self-Defense: How to Properly Slap Someone

Today I am having a rough day.  A co-worker of mine is a chauvinistic idiot and I've been fantasizing about slapping him (for years) and since I actually took a stage combat class I know how to properly sock someone in the jaw, without breaking my fingers on those lovely vintage rings. So here we go, "Pinup Self-Defense: Lesson 1."

#1. Keep your cool.  If they know you are about to knock them into next week chances are they will prevent you- if they can.  Reveal nothing, you are a stealthy tigress... don't forget.

#2. Delicately remove your glove from your right hand if you're a righty and your left hand if you're a lefty (this is important as you want the maximum damage.)  Place it in your other hand (vintage gloves are expensive and pretty and you didn't buy them just to loose them in a street fight.)

#3. Widen your stance- balance, balance, balance... this is KEY!  Particularly if you are in 5" heels- as I usually am.

#4. Make eye contact- you want to see the shock, anguish, and hopefully pain when you unleash the beast.  And you want to have very straight aim- a missed face slap is the worst.

#5. Aim for the fat part of the cheek and keep your fingers pressed together (much like a paddle)- not so painful for them or you, however it makes an amazing sound!  It'll crack and quite frankly we want that dramatic noise so that everyone in earshot knows that someone just slapped a total jerk who deserved it.

#6. Relax your shoulder and swing from it rather than your elbow -  body mechanics- gotta love 'em.  You don't want to injure yourself- you are injuring them.  Get a good swing going as well, if you would like to rear back past the side of your body and throw your hip into then go right ahead.

#6.  After you slap them, egress.  Quickly.  Use the silence and shock to get away.**** 

****If the person is as big a jerk as I would like to assume they are- you may be in for an all out brawl, so have your purse ready to beat them over the head, your heels ready to crush their feet and be ready to potentially be arrested- because it's totally possible.  (Don't blame me if you slapped a Sheriff's Deputy and are going to prison- you have to weigh whether or not it's worth it- sometimes... it is worth it.)****

It's always a good idea to know how to do things properly and with style... this also extends to fighting.  Besides, when you have that vintage classy sexpot look everyday you should really know how to defend yourself.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

'Tis the Season

I just put up my Christmas decor and brought all the sweaters and egg nog because the season 'tis here.  After putting up the tree and putting out the candy bowls, trimming the wreath and listening to carols it was egg nog time.  And by egg nog I mean bourbon with splash of egg nog and milk in it (I use low fat milk so I don't overdo the high fat egg nog).  I have a pair of lovely Budweiser flutes, I know it sounds strange but it's true, with the Clydesdales on them in their holiday regalia.  The nog looked lovely in them. 

Now is the time of year when many people will be in our homes, and to make them feel welcome it's important to have little things for them to enjoy.  Bottles of wine, champagne, beer, and other spirits are a lovely addition to having guests over, and quite frankly can make it more bearable for everyone depending on the guest.  As most of you who have watched Mad Men know- nothing beats a good bourbon in the house.  I would suggest, for those of you who have no spirits, that you purchase a couple of staples.  A good mixing rum (I just use Captain Morgan Spiced Rum), vodka (3 Olives is a great mixing vodka but I prefer Grey Goose as vodka is my favorite spirit) , and well known Whiskey or Bourbon.  I prefer American- so a Jim Beam or a Jack Daniels are good choices others prefer Scotch or Irish Whiskey- MacCallan and Jameson are good options in that department.  You should also keep a selection of mixers: Club Soda, Tonic, Ginger ale, Cola and Diet Cola.  This way everyone can make SOMETHING that they would like to drink.

It's been my experience that women will gravitate to the vodka, low in calories and when paired with a club soda will not stain your clothes or teeth (remember this on New Years because nothing is worse than an expensive vintage dress with an expensive vintage on it that will NOT come out) and men will gravitate to the whiskey/bourbon.  If you are stocking top shelf,  it's in your best interest to play bartender/hostess otherwise your may find yourself with a Don Draper crawling across your living room with your irreplaceable vintage lampshade on his head and having to buy several bottles more just to get through the rest of the season. 

As for treats, make things that are easy and not covered with gloppy frosting or filled with drippy cordials... while these may be delicious the chances of them being dropped on a vintage pillow or a throw that can't be laundered are astronomically increased.  Also,  they are just messy- if you make treats like that then package them up in a bag for people to take home so that the powdered sugar/sprinkles/frosting/syrup doesn't adorn you, your house, or your guests.  It's also a lovely treat to send people home with a little something.   Later this week I will post some delicious no-fuss no-muss dessert recipes for your holiday parties.  So head to the store and then cozy up with a nice egg nog 'cause baby, it's cold outside...